I'm so sorry.

Its 2 Sunday morning. While the rest of Auburn sleep, I am sitting here typing away at my blog. I don't really know what to say. It's hard to put into words what I feel inside. I guess I'm feeling down, and I think it's because of a fundamental flaw in my character.

Regret, and the wish to prevent it, is one of the main considerations behind my every action these days. The past weighs too much on my mind. There are certain events in my life in which I had made a less-than-desireable decision, and those events never cease to haunt me. Every now and then, recollections of these events, some of them from as far back as ten years ago, never fail to make me crinch, wishing that I had done things another way.

I have been, and still am, living in the past. Whenever the present fails to consume my whole consciousness, the past creeps back to haunt me. They were joking when they called these things 'ghosts from our past.' These ghosts are very real, and they are very distressing. I relive these events over and over again in my mind, wondering how things would have turned out if I had done things differently. Always am I indulging in the fantasy that I would somehow be able to change the past, and the present would be that much different.

I know that I would not have become the person I am had things turn out different. I know that it is a catch 22 more often than not. I would not have wanted to do things differently had I not made that decision which lead to the chain of events which would cumulate in me regretting my past actions. Although I see very clearly the futility and senselessness of regret, I am unable to shake its grasp on me.

I have a theory that maybe if I stopped keeping these things to myself, I would be able to let those ghosts go, and move on with life. I feel that not one day passes without my past reaching out and touching my present, tainting it with its ever-present stain.

Hence, I would like to try to atone for a little bit of my sins, and apologize to certain people, for certain things that I had done, or had failed to do, in the past.

Granny: I wish I had spent more time talking with you instead of shouting at you. I was young. Forgive me. I would always remember those times we shared together when I was younger, those afternoons without anyone else, at the back of the kitchen cooking that red-bean and chicken stew in the charcoal stove. I wish you were still around to teach me how to cook that dish. I wish you could have seen the person I am now.

Michelle: I'm sorry I became the way I was. No, it wasn't the army. It was because I was a boy, and boys don't know any better. I wish I had been more confident and less cocky. I did not get along well with your university friends not because they weren't nice, but because I was insecure, and a complete asshole. I'm sorry for all those times that I ruined things because I lost my temper. I used to think that it was okay, for I always apologized and we made up. I know better now. Those harsh words I used can be taken back, but they would always leave scars. I'm sorry for hurting you the same time that I was loving you. I wish it was just sweet, and not bittersweet. I'm sorry for walking away from you that night. I left you that night because I thought I deserved someone better. Now, I know that I walked away that night because I didn't deserve you. I would have given everything I had just to go back to that moment and tell you all these things, and hold you in my arms, and ask for another chance. But it is not possible. I wish I had been a man instead of a child when I was with you. I loved you more and I know that you knew. I understand now why you left. I wish I could have told you all these in person. I'm sorry for everything.

Xiulin: There are times, especially those times in the clubs that I wish I had done differently. I'm sorry for cussing at you that time when you cut in when I was talking to two girls at Dbl O. I'm sorry for leaving you that rainy night after Mdm Wong's. Guess I didn't grow up that much after all. I realize I always abuse the people that I love most. Sorry bout that.